Difficult Conversations Book Summary And Analysis

STRATEGIES FOR DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

Everyday you interact with a variety of personalities. Despite your best efforts to communicate your intentions, inevitably, you will stumble into a frustrating situation, through misunderstanding, lack of planning, misinterpretation or simple reconsideration.

It could be a professional or personal setting, involve a superior or subordinate, but a need for dialog with the perpetrator can "loom". Discussion seems a logical and appropriate response, but these are often avoided or unproductive, due to fear of confrontation or explosive blasts of righteous fury.

If you fall into either category, "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most", by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project, provides guidance for navigating tumultuous conversations. The book provides analysis of the mind of set of participants in emotionally charged events and offer methods for achieving resolution, with respect.

They suggest three internal conversations comprise the framework of the actual conversation:

What Happened? – Generally prompting a need to assign fault or assert dominance.
Feelings – Seldom declared or acknowledged in conversation, but a powerful influence determining the intensity and tone of the discussion.
Identity – This is an association issue for some participants, and viewed as a threat to their sense of self. Their natural response is insecurity, and defensiveness, seldom advancing the conversation.

Their technique involves defusing the defensive posture that frame a discussion, formed by "internal conversations" by looking beyond your own perspective. It is imperative to realize your version is not the only version of an event. You must become an active listener in order to be heard and lead the conversation in pursuit of problem resolution, not assignment of blame.

DON'T LET IT SLIDE, IT WON'T GET ANY EASIER

Acknowledge you are entitled to respect and courtesy as a human being from subordinates, peers and supervisors. Avoid suppressing your feelings to an offensive incident. Resentment eventually reaches a boiling point, generally erupting with more emotion than logic, reducing a legitimate problem to an apparent irrational barrage of unprovoked ranting.

PREPARE

Do not attempt a conversation when emotions are high. Defensive tones and posture will bring out the same in your "opponent". It may feel good to vent in the short term, but ultimately you accomplish nothing beneficial.

Before undertaking a difficult conversation, get in touch with your own feelings:

Key in on the emotions you feel, narrow it to the strongest one and identify it specifically.
Create and practice a dialog that describes the behavior or event that offends you – exactly – and state what you view as a remedy.
When you open the conversation in this way, you may be surprised to find their perspective on the same event interpreted very differently but just as validly as your own.
Be prepared to share culpability to achieve resolution.
Schedule a time of day and location that will limit opportunities for distraction or interruptions.

LOOK FOR SOLUTIONS, NOT FAULT

Avoid the "Blame Game", no one wins and it will not contribute to resolving a problem or preventing a reoccurrence. Conduct the "what went wrong" conversation in "problem solving" mode.

Solicit the perspective of each participant, seeking their suggestions for possible resolutions.
Strive to isolate failures in the system or event, not the personalities.
Listen to each player's unique point of view, of both the problem and suggested solutions.
Active listening projects concern, respect and validation of their viewpoint; it also defines a standard and promotes their receptiveness to your input as well.

TRANSLATE WHAT YOU HEAR FOR CONFIRMATION

It is impossible to know another person's intention or motivation. When pursuing a solution, it is advisable to reframe or translate into other words what you hear from a participant.

By revising their words and restating what you "heard", you are able to verify your understanding of what they meant, avoid misconstrued intent and provide them opportunity for further clarification if necessary.
It also validates to the speaker your desire to understand their perspective.

ACCEPT IMPERFECTION, IN YOURSELF AND OTHERS

Take ownership for your part in the problem; there is normally a part for everyone involved.

Recognizing and acknowledging your contribution to a problem is essential to personal growth, regardless of how others may choose to react.
You cannot control the response of other people, but you may lead by example.
Accepting your part in the problem will reduce the stigma and fear of admitting responsibility, and opens the door to candid conversation.

"DIFFICULT" CAN BECOME "PRODUCTIVE" CONVERSATIONS

You can reduce anxiety and enhance relationships by converting tough conversations to an organized search for solutions through:

Examining the three internal conversations that form the framework of any discussion
Accept that your perspective is one, but not the only one that needs to be considered
Focus on solving the problem, not assigning fault
Utilize active listening, to be heard
Lead by example
Accept that problem-solving is a joint effort for maximum success

Additional Insights:

Several of the same principles, and easily applicable on a personal level, are offered by psychologist and authority in assertive development, Anne Dickson, in her book, "Difficult Conversations: What to Say in Tricky Situations Without Ruining the Relationship."

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